


if you want me to (i will)

by dreamrenhyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Idols
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:09:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22329877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamrenhyuck/pseuds/dreamrenhyuck
Summary: in which the end begins with several unanswered messages and unreturned calls (or alternately, in which donghyuck can’t break up with you so he waits for you to do it for him)
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 55





	if you want me to (i will)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This fic was originally posted from my Tumblr page and is the first !!!! ever NCT fic I had written. This is basically me just daydreaming and being delusional haha thank you for reading!  
> btw, this one was written at the end of june (i think???) so the story takes place around that time.

It’s around half an hour before the sun rises when you hear your phone chime, indicating that someone had sent you a message—and you needed not to reach over your bedside table nor take a glance of your phone’s screen to know who it is.

Getting text messages from Donghyuck on inconvenient hours of the day has become a norm. And if you were being completely honest, it was alright. You understood perfectly how the dynamics of your relationship worked, that’s why it doesn’t surprise you when you receive a text, asking if you could talk at five in the morning. You lazily reach out for your phone, staring at the notification and contemplating whether you have the heart to talk to him today. You would say yes, if it were any other day, if you weren’t feeling overwhelmingly insecure and exhausted of the relationship, if Donghyuck weren’t thousands of miles away from you—but that is not the case at all.

And so you elect to ignore the message, not even unlocking your phone, and put the device on flight mode. It’s five in the morning anyway, he shouldn’t be expecting you to wait for him.

(Yet you do. Every single night.)

[❤︎]

It’s Mark who calls you when the group arrives in Seoul a few days later. He randomly asks how you’ve been during the short conversation and you know it’s Donghyuck who’s probably curious, so you say you’re a little tired from uni and work. He tells you that they were home for a few weeks to work on some music and for the other unit’s comeback. You mention that it’s the beginning of the academic year and that you’ve cut off a couple of hours from work to focus on your final year at uni. It’s a little more awkward than it should be because you and Mark are pretty close, but it’s lighthearted and you’re grateful that he even bothered to check out on you, even though you’re almost a hundred percent sure Donghyuck’s listening on the other end of the line.

The phone call is cut short when you arrive at your first lecture. You apologize, Mark understands and bids you goodbye.

Donghyuck hasn’t called. You don’t blame him though, never. It doesn’t surprise you because again, this isn’t new. This is normal. But it would be total bullshit to say it doesn’t hurt.

It had been like this for a while. With their tour going on and album promotions in between, it’s a impossible to get a hold of him. You hadn’t seen him in months—not even on his birthday nor yours. A bitter chuckle leaves your lips at the memory of days and nights you wanted to see and hold and hear him, only to fall asleep on your phone and own loneliness, while he’s out there unbothered by the fact that your relationship is falling to pieces.

But he fixes everything with a single text, a three-minute phone call, a bunch of flowers delivered to your door. And you allow him to strap on one band aid after another every time something cracks because you are still hoping that maybe one day, when he’s not too busy practicing and recording and traveling, he’d make up for lost days and weeks and months.

His absence had happened more times than you can count with two hands, but it doesn’t really matter because he’d always tell you he’ll come home to you soon. But the past three months had been the longest of them all.

It started with a few missed calls and unanswered text messages. And it had been alright, considering his overwhelming schedule and stupid time zones. A couple of days had been the longest he’d go missing, four days at max. But days had turned to weeks and weeks had turned to months, and it’s a little exaggerated but you’re starting to forget what he sounds like at night, when he’s just Donghyuck and not Haechan, when the last person he wants to talk to is you, when there is nothing else that matters besides you and him.

June was the worst. He had been at home for a couple of days in the middle of tour to promote the album in Korea and you were thrilled, in ways you couldn’t describe. You hadn’t been as excited as you were on the first few days of June. It was his birthday and he had been on a plane half of his day but you had the rest of the day to see him.

But he had returned your long birthday messages with a brief one that says he couldn’t see you that day. You insisted to go see him instead, wherever he would be and whenever his schedule permits him, but Donghyuck tells you he had important things to do and places to go to. He never lies to you because that day, he had to be in a meeting and some of the members had invited him for dinner. And it was alright, even when it hurt that you couldn’t even give him your gift in person, so you sent him a message half an hour before midnight, asking if you could at least call him. Donghyuck never replied to that message and you didn’t hear his voice that night.

The group left Seoul only a few days after his birthday. You had dropped off your gift to him—an expensive necklace you had been eyeing on for almost a year—at their dormitory, and he had sent you a heart-fluttering message of gratitude, saying how much he liked it, but not a promise of seeing you soon before they had to leave again.

Your chest begins to tighten at the thought of him. You haven’t seen him in person in months and it had been ten days since you heard his voice over the phone, but it feels longer than that.

The professor arrives, just in time before you break down to a puddle of tears. And your distraction from the prickling feeling in your heart begins.

[❤︎]

Your phone rings at three in the morning, waking you from your slumber. The sound startles you, almost sending you to fall out of your bed, so you quickly reach for it to make the ringing stop. And it’s only when you hear his voice that you realize what you had just done.

“Hello?” His voice is faint because the phone is far away from your ears. “Y/N? Are you there?”

You get up slowly, resting your back on your bed’s headboard, and put the device on speaker.

“Can you hear me?” he asks, voice clear now, and you had to quickly put the mic on mute because a sob almost came out of your mouth. “Are you asleep?”

He chuckles from the other end of the line. “You must be asleep and accidentally answered the phone. Because if you were wide awake, I know you wouldn’t pick up the call.”

You wait for him to disconnect the call, but Donghyuck stays on the line. His slow breathing is clearly heard through the device’s speaker and you’re not sure if it’s your imagination that’s tricking you, but you think he’s crying.

The sound of him breathing and sniffling makes you want to unmute the phone and comfort him. You contemplate for a couple of minutes of nothing but the sounds he’s making, but Donghyuck beats you to it.

“I’m sorry,” he softly says. His voice breaking confirms that he’s crying. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even know what to tell you. I’d be lying if I promise I’d make it up to you because I know I can’t.”

“It’s okay, Hyuck,” you whisper even when he doesn’t hear you. “It’s okay.”

“I’m getting farther away from you,” he confesses like you haven’t realized it yet. “And I’m allowing myself. It’s selfish that I’m still trying to keep you. I don’t know how much farther I can go, but I still want you to stay.”

“It’s okay,” you say again.

He falls silent for a while, though he sniffles in between seconds, but other than that, silence takes over the phone call for almost three minutes.

“Please break up with me,” he suddenly requests. “I can’t do it myself, so you have to do it for us. Otherwise, I’ll just keep holding onto you. Please ask me to let you go.”

You are both sobbing at this point.

“Please tell me I’m hurting you. Please tell me it’s unfair. Please tell me you don’t want me anymore,” he begs. “I can’t keep hurting you. I’m selfish, darling, and you will let me get away with anything. So, please help me out. Please ask me to let you go.”

You had dropped your phone on your lap as you cried. Donghyuck isn’t doing any better because you think he’s crying just as hard.

You’re not sure how long you cried to each other without him knowing but when it’s all just silence, Donghyuck disconnects the call. And you’re not sure how long you stayed there in silence, your heart more broken than ever, but the last thing you think of before falling asleep is the painful thought that Donghyuck is hurting, too.

[❤︎]

The inevitable comes only a few weeks later.

Donghyuck shows up at your door unannounced while you’re making dinner, and of all days, it had to be the one when you’re wearing one of his shirts.

There’s a small smile on his face when he says hi, a backpack slung over one shoulder and a bouquet of flowers on one hand. You shyly ask him to come in and it’s unfair that after being together for over a year, along with your relationship falling apart, his smile still makes you stumble.

“I was just making dinner,” you announce while Donghyuck looks around your small apartment. “Have you eaten?”

Donghyuck stops and looks at you. He shakes his head as he wets his lips with his tongue and the sight warms your heart. He looks beautiful without make-up on, even when his hair is a little messy, standing in the middle of your apartment. He must have remembered the sunflowers he’s holding because he suddenly shoves it to your direction, smiling again when you shake your heard, grinning at how he awkward he looks right now.

“Thank you,” you mumble and turn to put the bouquet somewhere, but you’re stopped on your tracks when Donghyuck suddenly pulls your wrist, swiftly turning you to face him again. He doesn’t waste a single second as he pulls you closer until he’s hugging you, his arms wrapped around your torso, face buried on your hair. You don’t hesitate to hold onto him just as tight, inhaling his scent, eyes closed in hopes of painting the feeling of his arms around you permanently on your brain.

“I’ve missed you,” he mumbles, you hum that you did, too. Donghyuck giggles, kissing the top of your head quickly before burying his face back to your hair. “Give me a moment, yeah? A couple more minutes, then I’ll let you go finish whatever you’re making.”

“When I said I was making dinner, I meant to say I’m waiting for the water to boil because I’m making instant ramen,” you answer, making him laugh and hold you tighter.

“I hope you have enough because I haven’t eaten anything since I got back from Singapore,” he replies. He pulls back a little, just enough for you to look up and see his face, but he’s still holding you by your waist. “You’re still pretty.”

“What are you saying?” you say. “I’m always pretty. Before, now and forever.”

He chuckles, nodding in agreement and then leans closer to kiss your forehead, a little longer this time. “You are.”

You bask in each other’s presence for a few more seconds until he lets you go to finish making your meal. He jokingly tells you he’s excited for the gourmet meal you’re preparing for him and you giggle at his sarcastic remark. Donghyuck watches you from the small island across the stove, and you could feel holes burning on your back with the way he stared at you but you don’t say anything nor do you give him any attention while cooking.

Dinner is quiet, like how it had been for the past few months, and Donghyuck tries to strike a conversation, randomly mumbling about how much he has missed eating dinner at your apartment and that he had enough of hotel food. He asks how uni is treating you, mentioning that it’s your final year and that it must be so thrilling and exhausting at the same time.

Your replies are short and you can’t maintain eye contact for longer than three seconds. This doesn’t escape Donghyuck’s observing eyes, and so he takes your hand from across the counter. His hand is warm compared to your cold one and the way he makes figures on the back of your hand using his thumb makes you look up to him.

“I know you’re mad at me,” he says, voice quiet, eyes on yours. “And I’m well aware that this apology is long overdue but I am sorry. I’ve run out of ways to say sorry and I know you’re tired of hearing me say I’d make it up to you when we both know I can’t.”

He bites his lower lip and it’s only then that you remember the last time he had kissed you was on Valentine’s this year which was months and months ago. Your heart wonders, does he ever think of the smallest things about your relationship like you do every night? Does he remember the last time he held your hand like this? So gentle and so comforting. Had sleep been difficult for him, too? Because you can’t recall the last time you slept in peace. Did he yearn for you on cold nights and held onto something that reminded him of you?

“Did you miss me?” you stutter out.

“Of course, I did,” he answers, voice defensive. “How could I not? I haven’t seen you in months.”

“Then why haven’t you called?” you ask. Donghyuck takes his eyes away from you. “If you had missed me like you say, why haven’t you called me?”

“Because you never answer my calls anymore,” he replies. “You don’t respond to my text messages, too. Don’t make this whole thing my fault.”

“Is it not, though?” you accuse. Donghyuck lets go of your hand. “I miss your call once. Can’t you call again? And besides, you call my at the most inconvenient times of the day. You can’t expect me to answer every call.”

“Well,” he strikes, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m sorry that I have been to busy on tour, rehearsing and all that shit because it’s my job and dream.”

“You don’t have to say sorry for being busy, Haechan,” you retort. The name makes him freeze, jaw clenching, eyes boring yours with irritation. He knows you’re doing this on purpose, provoking him until he explodes and says something that will ultimately hurt you, but his eyes tell you he’s trying his best not to become angry. “It’s your choice whether to call me or not. I just wait for whatever you can give because apparently that’s how our relationship or whatever works. You miss my call, I miss yours, we apologize and we do it all over again.”

“What are you trying to say now?” he asks. “Do you know how much trouble I had to go through to come here tonight? I haven’t even seen my family. But I’m here at your apartment trying to catch up and patch things in place.”

“Then, leave,” you calmly say. Donghyuck lets out a bitter chuckle. “Go home to your family. If it’s hurting me to not be able to talk to you, I can only imagine their pain.”

“They understand,” he retorts. “And you apparently don’t.”

“Yeah, I don’t,” you reply dryly. “I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to let me know what’s going on. I don’t understand how you could miss my own birthday and remember it only two days later. I don’t understand why it always feels like I don’t know you anymore. I don’t understand why Mark has to call me to ask how I’ve been. And I certainly don’t understand why you still have to come here and when you can just go do your thing and forget about me because that would be easy for you.”

“Then break up with me,” he challenges. His voice is stern, stronger compared to how it was a while ago, and you know that this is it. He had unknowingly requested this to you nights ago, and this is where you do it for him. “If it’s so difficult to grasp, break up with me. I’m not going to ask you to wait for me.”

You take a deep breath and close your eyes. “Okay.”

Donghyuck let out another sarcastic laugh. “Right of the fucking bat? You didn’t even take a second to decide.”

“You asked for it,” you mumble, opening your eyes but regretting it immediately when you see tears already running down his cheeks. Donghyuck quickly wipes them off, still chuckling bitterly. “Now you have it.”

“Alright,” he agrees, looking up and breathing deeply. “Okay.”

“Great,” you say. “Lock the door on your way out.” You stand, taking the bowls on your arms and turning to wash the dishes. As you begin the clean up, your him shuffle behind you. The water running from the faucet isn’t loud enough to block the sound of your door closing shut, letting you know that he had left.

That’s when you break. You drop the bowl on the sink and your shoulders shudder as you cry out, hands shaking, knees weak. Holding onto the edge of the counter, you try to calm yourself, but your knees fail you as they drop on the floor.

You had seen it coming and prepared your heart for this moment, but it still packed a gut-wrenching punch.

And just like that, it’s over. What once was the most beautiful thing the universe had made no longer exists. You no longer revolve around Donghyuck’s orbit.

It’s done.

[❤︎]

There is an old song that you had always loved even as a kid. It was from a band called The Beatles, and you had known all the words to their popular songs, but one masterpiece in particular had always been close to your heart.

You hadn’t heard it in a while, with all the music and genre coming in and the lack of interest with anything other than the thesis you’re unfortunately very busy with, but you recognize it immediately when it’s sung on the radio

You had your full attention on the chapter you’re reading, the exact same one your thesis adviser had asked you to revise again, frustration washing over you because you had done the best you could but apparently it had to be re-written for the nth time. The taxi driver doesn’t even bother to strike up a conversation with you and just listens to the radio.

You are surprised to hear the song but that’s not it that makes you stop reading; it’s the voice that’s singing it that startles you.

It’s Donghyuck, for sure. You had heard him sing this to you once, when he was in Vancouver, if your memory doesn’t fail you, while you’re on bed, unable to sleep through your unceasing anxiety at that time. He sang it during a call at two in the morning where you are and he had said that he was visiting a tourist spot with the group, but he excused himself from the team, found a good spot to sing to you from miles away just so he can help ease the anxiety that had been bugging you for days. And you had always loved the song as it was, but listening to Donghyuck that night gave you a different meaning from then on.

His voice drips like honey, smooth and sweet and golden. It sends you shivers down your spine and it hurt a little to listen, but you do anyway.

“Who knows how long I’ve loved you?” he sings softly. There is no background music, and you assume it had been a request from the radio host on that particular station.

“You know I love you still,” he continues to sing. “Will I wait a lonely lifetime? If you want me to, I will. For if I ever saw you, I didn’t catch your name. But it never really mattered, I will always feel the same.”

There’s a pause before your favorite part. He sucks in a breath so deep, you can hear it through the speakers. “Love you forever and forever,” he sings, slower than how the song should go. “Love you with all my heart. I love you whenever we’re together,” he pauses again.

A second of silence. “Love you when we’re apart.”

The song ends with the members cheering and the radio host thanking him for granting a fan’s request.

“That song is quite old,” the DJ remarks.

Mark speaks up. “Haechan has always loved old songs, like if anyone wishes to get a glimpse of his playlist, let me tell you, it’s mostly songs twice older than we are.”

“Why do you like older songs?” the host asks. “Does this mean anything to you? This song in particular, does it have a meaning for you?”

Donghyuck chuckles awkwardly. The others are silent as they wait for him to respond. “It’s true that I love always preferred to listen to older songs. I had planned to post a cover of ‘I Will’ a few months back because someone who is close to my heart had loved this song so much and I wanted to send this across as my message to that person. But the timing always sucked because I’ve always been too busy to do anything I want.”

‘The lyrics hit differently, right?” the host asks. Donghyuck agrees.

“It’s the kind of song you don’t need to translate to understand,” he says. “It makes you feel something, doesn’t it? It’s a beautiful song.”

“Well, we’re glad our station is the first to hear ‘I Will’ by NCT’s Haechan!” the host exclaims. “Oh, and who would it be if I may ask? Who’s the person who loved this song so much that it made you want to make a cover of it?”

Johnny had always been quick with his senses. “Haechan says it so dramatically but it’s probably just Mark.”

Mark laughs with them, “Hyung, don’t lie. They’re going to misunderstand.”

“Yes, it’s for Mark hyung,” Donghyuck confirms, making everyone laugh and cheer. The radio DJ teases them and then changes the subject to the next fan request.

You’re startled when the driver calls your attention, letting you know that you’ve arrived at your destination. You hand him some notes, scurrying to get your things and almost jumping out of the taxi.

The feeling in your chest becomes a little too much, not enough to cause a commotion, but it’s overwhelming and you can feels your knees weaken as your reach the entrance of the apartment complex you live in.

You barely make it inside your apartment when the tears rapidly escape your eyes.

You love Donghyuck. Nothing could ever change that. Even now that things are over, even when it had been over a month since you last heard from him, even when you and him no longer orbit around each other.

But you know it will never go back to the way it was. And even if you and him had been able to patch things up from the last fight, you know that the relationship had nowhere else to do but down. He is busier now more than ever, and your final year in uni is more demanding than you had expected. Things would never be the same.

Yet you still yearn for him. Still long for his voice at night. Still miss the way he muttered your name. Still wish you still had him.

[❤︎]

Like the sun, Lee Donghyuck is a star.

You believe that he’s a star that fell from the sky into your hands. He seeped through the inside of your veins and swam through your blood until he became every part of you. But then the time had come when you had to put him back to the sky, where he belongs with the rest of the galaxy. And truly, it is the most painful thing you had to do.

And you can only hope that one day, he falls back right into your hands and when that time comes, you hope that you won’t have to return him back to the sky.

For the meantime, you wait for the night sky after the sun sets into its paradise and watch him twinkle brightly with the entire milky way.


End file.
